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(c) 2004-2010 i.m ruzzmodel: Kara Yerex

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 22:49:34 -0600

while

Fri, 03 Sep 2010 22:47:27 -0600

i mostly can’t write anymore. i’m plugged up with bile and every way i try to turn leads somewhere i don’t want to go. i want to take you to task for the things you did. the lies. the bullshit games. instead i just watch while you spin on your rope. it’s easier and keeps my hands clean. whenever i feel like i might explode some part of me into the public through one of these websites I take my cruiser out of the closet and go roll the river paths till it’s pointless. I don’t know how long has to pass before i can trust myself again. or use words again. i don’t know what i’m holding in that might just fall out, but i’m trying to wait it out.

..

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 02:18:00 -0600

last night i missed the way you kissed my hands. tonight you kissed my hands and forearms.

utter

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 11:41:11 -0600

you’ll push away. you’ll raise your arms and pull. you won’t stop till every one is gone. everything is starved and dying. clearcut your heart again today. old refrains become mantras. nothing. no one. the certainty of solitude. no one to get between you and your lies. no one to go off script. you love the unexpected so long as the room locked and empty. your heart won’t bleed or ache, or want for anything, anyone. you’ll take the cold empty embrace of silence over the violent, unpredictable heaving of “other”, and you’ll do it with an ugly satisfaction. you making a study of how empty emptiness can really be. that’s okay. follow your will into the dark.

retro(spect)

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:13:51 -0600

the lights dim and dark while a sea of bodies shifts and settles around us. i feel your warmth against the chilled air. we wait to be carried away. your arm is wrapped in my arm. i feel the tips of your fingers. your head rests on my shoulder and i kiss your frenum; feel the scratch of your head-wrap. i breath deep your now uncommon smell. you smell of baked cookies and comfort. you smell like the promise of an end to isolationism. you smell like my love and i miss you terribly only when i’m beside you. i’m always prey beside your scent. always weak and needy. it’s a delicate sort of love that breaks you down one ache at a time and i’m grateful for the vitalness of resonating skin, aching hearts, and the beauty of your sadness.

inchesgiven: “Love Will Tear Us Apart” (ukelele Joy Division...

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 03:22:55 -0600

inchesgiven:

“Love Will Tear Us Apart” (ukelele Joy Division cover) - Evelyn Evelyn

(c) 2004-2010 i.m. ruzz

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 02:36:46 -0600

i wanted to self-destruct tonight. get drunk. get laid. hoot & holler. just quiet the inside a...

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 02:33:27 -0600

i wanted to self-destruct tonight. get drunk. get laid. hoot & holler. just quiet the inside a while. i suppose i could have. the city is alive with festivals and Canada day rousing. instead i read half a book on charcoal shading & got lost in thinking about reflected light in shadows.

things hurt. all the moving parts are alive and screaming. so many unused muscles pulled back, away....

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 19:45:00 -0600

things hurt. all the moving parts are alive and screaming. so many unused muscles pulled back, away. trying to unlearn all the lies habit tells you. doing things over and over is a sort of lie to the flesh. like living is a lie to the symbolic mind. habit is a lie to your bones and heart. there is no loss. there is no fucking loss, only change. nothing’s lost because nothing’s had. you can only have what’s outside of you and there is no outside of you. tricks of slippery rotting minds. my bed is empty. my emotions think their real. i’m looking for a tiny death to free me from all this aching. it’s time to liberate the mind from it’s warm comfortable lies.

if you’re waiting on a big emo explosion over the breakup, you’d best keep waiting. it...

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 11:07:47 -0600

if you’re waiting on a big emo explosion over the breakup, you’d best keep waiting. it aint coming. at least it aint coming here. whats going on in my heart right now is staying in my heart. you wouldn’t understand it anyways, and i feel enough like i’m in a fishbowl, like i’m being evaluated and sized up and i’m just not taking to that. i never cared for privacy, or keeping my insides inside, you know that, but just feels stupid and pointless. i’m not going to lament a damn bit of this. the sweet was so incredibly sweet, let the sour sit full on my tongue and lead me to whatever comes next. i let a lot of stuff slide. i made a lot of choices for other people. i made easy choices. i gave in when i shoulda fought, gave up when i shoulda kept going—on so many fronts. and i’m not giving in to a stupid aching heart. i’m not even going to slow down and let the sting pass.

"And it’s the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me"

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 15:36:46 -0600

“And it’s the darkest side of my heart that dies when you come to me”

- the darkest side - the middle east

this pear tastes sweet, never sour.

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 01:28:40 -0600

this pear tastes sweet, never sour.

you know how things’ll go before you even get there. you see it ten steps before it comes....

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 01:26:16 -0600

you know how things’ll go before you even get there. you see it ten steps before it comes. it’s not rocket science to identify archetypes and see the patterns. it’s rocket science to talk yourself out of what you want even when you see it’s impossible. that’s like making heart rockets, or something. you can’t be frustrated or sad. you can’t rail or complain. every single choice you made you knew how it’d play out before you made it but you made it any way. you made it cuz you wanted to. cuz you needed to. maybe that’s your archetype. maybe seeing obviously how people work but being unable to live by what you know is your fucking archetype.

Im biting my tongue so much these days I hope when it comes time to speak again I still can.

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:42:12 -0600

Im biting my tongue so much these days I hope when it comes time to speak again I still can.

"So yes, this is less than ideal. But hey honey, that’s life."

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 12:39:19 -0600

“So yes, this is less than ideal. But hey honey, that’s life.”

- Somewhere near and far at the same time.

f a l l / s p r i n g

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 14:34:07 -0600

you want to fall apart. to stop being the switch that keeps humming through the night routing every-thing. let all those ones & zeros go. let them become dark analog night. you want to be free to fuck up. ruin shit. make mistakes. follow your heart into the darkness & cut everyone who comes close with your terror & ugly weakness. you want to be free of your mind. your need. your want. you want to be free of your want. you’re tired of all the tangles & strings. conditions. ideals. ideas. promises. dem&s. you’re tired. you should’ve burrowed deep into winter & come out strong. you bloomed too soon. too much. you want to let go of all the thoughts which fight for control of your heart. you want. your h&s are meaningless, empty, & coming apart against the incarnadine wash of human need. fight a little longer then.

(c) 2004-2010 i.m. ruzzmodel: kara yerex

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 14:24:39 -0600

l e a v i n g s

Thu, 20 May 2010 00:17:00 -0600

our fears are so many and so lofty we wish to put them down just a moment. we wish to stand straight-backed and raise our arms and feel their lightness. to stretch muscles balled and knotted free of their terrible wait; they wait for nothingness. we wish to see what might sit up above our normal eye-line. pick at this or that which always exceeded our reach. to set down these load-stones crafted of tear, and wail and terror. first, we must let important parts come undone from the bindings. this we’re sure will be too pain-filled. to awful. the tearing of old skin and scar wrapped and bound, come cord and muscle. we lift our fear with our fear. we are human reflex to the awesomeness of truths we cannot bear. we stand immobile, unfeeling and unable to decide what’s us and what all we carry but cannot put down.

(c) 2004-2010 i.m. ruzz

Thu, 20 May 2010 00:08:37 -0600

"You were sitting in a back yard on some sort of stool facing a really big old school picture box...."

Mon, 17 May 2010 16:46:54 -0600

“You were sitting in a back yard on some sort of stool facing a really big old school picture box. You were holding it by its reigns, which happened to be peacock feathers and you were struggling with them. I kept standing there, staring at you, asking you questions and you kept half looking up at me laughing very jolly like.”

- tasha dreams of ruzz.