“ i just keep telling myself over and over again that the app store shall set me free.
— me in an outgoing email
|seconds| a life by.
17 February 11 9:32:45 am
l i v e //i dreamt of raw entropy, or life. everything coming together now, apart now. the world of dream exploding and tearing at the seams as quickly as it shaped and became. a moving, unstable mass of destruction and creation exceeding my tiny mind’s abilities to calculate, plan, think. a moment of terror; out of control. a moment of surrender; released from control. a moment of life; moving and reacting in real time. equal parts terror and triumph, i watched as it came apart with one eye and chose my next foothold with the other. there was no time of ideas or ideals. no thoughts, no should be. interact with what was before me or be swallowed. i was animal again and my fullness had no limits.
16 February 11 11:24:19 am
s t u t t e r //you come in and root around. looking in corners, under couches. you take your pictures. you can add them to your “files”. My home, my kitchen, my life. you add them and say you’re championing me. watching out or protecting me from my slum-lord landlord. sure. but you also make me someone who can’t look out for myself. make me someone whose home, and life are so broken, so failed, that I deserve entry in your “files”. check that box, it’s just my life. check that one, i fucked a girl against that bathroom counter. check another, that bed is where i dream and heal. check another. check another.
[self release];
“ i have no game. im like a monkey who waits under the tree for ripe fruit to fall on him. thats my game.
— ruzz, in conversation.
“ yes, it does. if you feel like panicing, i think the societal cure is to throw yourself into drinking, sex, drugs, or tv. i believe those are your options given your station. best not to dwell on it. it could cause an unsolicited desire for change. change is bad. just keep going into debt and keep turning up for work to pay for that debt. it will all be okay. here, have a drink. you look rattled.
— an email i just sent.
the way you talk about my needs, like they are sitting in the room with us inspires my need to rebellion. makes it rally around never needing again. never wanting again. the way you talk about my needs, makes them seem a yoke about your neck.
