3 September 10 10:47:27 pm

i mostly can’t write anymore. i’m plugged up with bile and every way i try to turn leads somewhere i don’t want to go. i want to take you to task for the things you did. the lies. the bullshit games. instead i just watch while you spin on your rope. it’s easier and keeps my hands clean. whenever i feel like i might explode some part of me into the public through one of these websites I take my cruiser out of the closet and go roll the river paths till it’s pointless. I don’t know how long has to pass before i can trust myself again. or use words again. i don’t know what i’m holding in that might just fall out, but i’m trying to wait it out. 

25 August 10 2:18:00 am

last night i missed the way you kissed my hands. tonight you kissed my hands and forearms. 

4 August 10 11:41:11 am

you’ll push away. you’ll raise your arms and pull. you won’t stop till every one is gone. everything is starved and dying. clearcut your heart again today. old refrains become mantras. nothing. no one. the certainty of solitude. no one to get between you and your lies. no one to go off script. you love the unexpected so long as the room locked and empty. your heart won’t bleed or ache, or want for anything, anyone. you’ll take the cold empty embrace of silence over the violent, unpredictable heaving of “other”, and you’ll do it with an ugly satisfaction. you making a study of how empty emptiness can really be. that’s okay. follow your will into the dark. 

21 July 10 11:13:51 am

the lights dim and dark while a sea of bodies shifts and settles around us. i feel your warmth against the chilled air. we wait to be carried away. your arm is wrapped in my arm. i feel the tips of your fingers. your head rests on my shoulder and i kiss your frenum; feel the scratch of your head-wrap. i breath deep your now uncommon smell. you smell of baked cookies and comfort. you smell like the promise of an end to isolationism. you smell like my love and i miss you terribly only when i’m beside you. i’m always prey beside your scent. always weak and needy. it’s a delicate sort of love that breaks you down one ache at a time and i’m grateful for the vitalness of resonating skin, aching hearts, and the beauty of your sadness. 

i wanted to self-destruct tonight. get drunk. get laid. hoot & holler.  just quiet the inside a while. i suppose i could have. the city is alive with festivals and Canada day rousing. instead i read half a book on charcoal shading & got lost in thinking about reflected light in shadows.

things hurt. all the moving parts are alive and screaming. so many unused muscles pulled back, away. trying to unlearn all the lies habit tells you. doing things over and over is a sort of lie to the flesh. like living is a lie to the symbolic mind. habit is a lie to your bones and heart. there is no loss. there is no fucking loss, only change. nothing’s lost because nothing’s had. you can only have what’s outside of you and there is no outside of you. tricks of slippery rotting minds. my bed is empty. my emotions think their real. i’m looking for a tiny death to free me from all this aching. it’s time to liberate the mind from it’s warm comfortable lies.

if you’re waiting on a big emo explosion over the breakup, you’d best keep waiting. it aint coming. at least it aint coming here. whats going on in my heart right now is staying in my heart. you wouldn’t understand it anyways, and i feel enough like i’m in a fishbowl, like i’m being evaluated and sized up and i’m just not taking to that. i never cared for privacy, or keeping my insides inside, you know that, but just feels stupid and pointless. i’m not going to lament a damn bit of this. the sweet was so incredibly sweet, let the sour sit full on my tongue and lead me to whatever comes next. i let a lot of stuff slide. i made a lot of choices for other people. i made easy choices. i gave in when i shoulda fought, gave up when i shoulda kept going—on so many fronts. and i’m not giving in to a stupid aching heart. i’m not even going to slow down and let the sting pass.